Life lessons learned

Valuable lessons learned during a summer spent in quiet, monastic contemplation:

1. It is highly irresponsible to speed while driving drunk. You could get pulled over.

2. 4am soccer is better played in Bethesda traffic than barefoot on wet grass.

3. On that note, storefront windows resist soccer balls much better than Rvan's living room window.

4. If the need to escape arises, front royal, virginia offers a bevy of cheap, plentiful, presumably well-insulated motel rooms

5. "The Exorcist" was set there for a reason: Georgetown is pure evil.

6. While it is difficult to get fired from a temp job, believe that you can do anything you put your mind to

7. Tardiness with finesse is a virtue

8. Under no circumstances should you store magic mushrooms in the family fridge

9. For the truly astute, O.A.R. dangerously blurs the line between irony and sincerity

10. Contrary to popular belief, the backseat of a Taurus is not a favorable place to spend the night.

11. The South is best seen through a purple haze, majestic, but passing quickly by in a fast-moving car.

12. It's not too hard to write really solid hip-hop lyrics.

Rebels without a cause (seriously)

Every generation has its defining moment or faces a challenge to which it fearlessly rises, countering some great injustice which it is determined to banish for all posterity.

Our great-grandparents had, I don't know, like the potato famine or handlebar moustaches or something. Or grandparents dealt with the Depression (which I feel is cancelled out by the 20s, which were apparently fucking awesome, so that doesn't really count) and WWII, I guess. Our parents, so I'm told, fought for civil rights and peace in Vietnam.

But our great calling, our defining moment is, apparently, the Facebook Mini-Feed. In a bizarre display of the cutting-edge electronic interconnectedness of American youth, my middle school girlfriend of all people invited me to a 50,000 member strong anti-news feed or whatever group. That's just one of several and probably 10,000 more have joined in the last half hour. I've never seen so many students rally so quickly for a single cause. Except free food.

"No to Mini-Feed! Yes to excessive commentary about it!"

I'm mourning for our generation.

"I wish it were the fucking potato famine again," Dave Ferris says, stroking his handlebar moustache.

[note: I think the new feature is fucking annoying and I endorse every effort to make it go away, including sit-ins and looting.]

Born in 1920

Damnit Grandma Loki! For the last time, when I say "How you livin' Biggie Smalls?" you say, "In mansions and Benzes, givin' ends to my friends and it feels stupendous."

Is it that hard!??

P.S. Grandma Loki really does give me mad ends.